Ideas not Identities: How to get along with people at work

When you can't stop ruminating,

You're furious or annoyed,

Or you just can't stand the thought of someone, you really don't like them, you cannot get along with them, but you work with them...

What can you do?

Focus on Ideas not Identities.

I have a complex family. We're spread across many locations, have step-parents & step-siblings and half siblings. We no longer share common religions or politics. None of us went to the same universities or do the same type of work. We have varied economic realities. And those who are interested in sports follow their own teams. Some have travelled a lot, some don't have current passports. A few lived abroad. Some have no kids, others have many.

I'd say the same for my friends. We enjoy each other, but we don't necessarily have that much in common and often have wildly different beliefs.

Regardless we enjoy spending time together.  Yes, we sometimes argue.  We know the hot-button topics. Still, we laugh together more than anything else.

These differences don't stand in the way of appreciating and enjoying and caring about each other.

You can apply the same frame of reference, this shift in perspective to someone you're struggling to get along with at work.

Ideas not Identities means that you:

✅ Get curious about them. See if you can learn something that makes them more interesting or appealing to you. Maybe you both lived in the same area at one time, or you both play pickleball, or like to view old black and white movies. There will be something you have in common if you make the effort to learn.

✅Practice Patience.  Can you really not tolerate a conversation with someone for more than a few minutes? What does that say about you?  See how long you can be in their presence without your own emotions getting in the way. Self-regulate. Ensure your own emotions bubbling up don't prevent you from a chance to connect.

✅Listen. All of us want to be heard.  Listen to them without trying to respond or object. 

✅Try to up your Dignity Index score. Take a look at where you land on the index in regards to the individual you're struggling with and then see what steps you can take to increase your score with them.

✅Remember when. Remember when someone took something you said in a context that you never intended? Recall how that felt? Remember when you one day had an a-ha! moment and thought "I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I did that."  Maybe that's where they are now. We all learn, grow, mature at different paces. Can you be compassionate?

✅Remove the personal from your objections. Stop thinking of it as a person or personality trait that you can't stand.  Instead, listen to the facts, ask questions, validate emotions. See the person as separate from the idea. Seek to minimize the differences between you. Even if you don't agree and believe you won't ever agree, can you toss the idea around for merit and evaluation instead of shutting it down entirely?

And the person, can you view them as someone worthy of respect, someone who like you and your family or friends is a multi-faceted being, learning and evolving just like you are, just like all of us are?

Learn more:

Civil Debate: Ideas not Identities

Barriers to Communication

Clarifying Expectations and Assumptions with Communication